Dillusioned

Sitting in this dim witted circle of society... I look around and find  People dissolved in their mortal conversations about immortality... 

Seeking wisdom and guidance of an grey soul... I starred at Mr.Old monk and Words spilled out of my mouth... "Tell me about this place.. What it used to be a few decades ago... What changed in these years.. Where is it going to stand in next few years... Is it loosing it's integrity in the order of persuading something bigger or better.. "

And words echoed into my ears... 

Jungle... Jungle hua karta tha.. 

Tab lakadi ka hua karta tha.. 

Ab lokhad ka ban raha hai.. 

Tab yahaan jaanwar raha karte the, 

Ab yahaan jaanwar raha karte hai.. 

Tab bade janwar choton ka shikar karte the,

Aur bache tukdon se geedadh lomdi apni zindagi guzarte the.. 

Ab bhi kuch aisa hi hai..

Too late for redemption

Road journey destination.. 

While traveling back from Delhi... I'm staring blank at this quote.. 

"You can't change the truth.. 

But the truth,

Can change you.. 

Forever... " 

How simply someone had put entire meaning of life in few mortal lifeless words... How one incident flips someone's life upside down... Yin and Yan.. 

Yes I'm drunk.. Again.. A quarter of local rum was good enough to evolve the buried corpse of a writer out of this dead pool of cold blood..

Loving someone is your fate.. Your luck... You won't say that you'll ever regret that decision... If i had the chance, I'll do it all over again... In a blink of eye without thinking twice...Because it was the most beautiful.. Unforgettable... Journey.. The first mistake of my life... It's like being hooked to a dead end... Fatal addiction.. 

When you know you're an alcoholic and your liver will give up soon if you won't stop drinking... Oops.. Bad reference.. Pretty self contradictory...let's try a new one..  Like having a smoke... You know.. This is dead end... Your lungs will give up on you soon... But you can't stop... Reminds me of one of my late relative ... He was a chain smoker... Even after knowing that he can die any moment if he won't stop smoking... He'd puff another cancer stick... Boosting the immunity of cancer cells of his lungs.. Guess he accepted his body for what it was... For what it had... He accepted the cancer cells.. He fead them smoke and tobacco and promoted their growth till the end.. 

Same goes when you're hopelessly obsessed with a dead person.. Remember the first half of ps i live you.. ? Something like that.. Well the sad part.. Just the sad part.. No pun included.. The reality is in front of you... Your friend will shook the hell out of you and slap reality on your face numerously trying to show you the practical life.. The logical truth.. You can see that whatever happened.. Happened... You can't change the ending.. Life is not a fairy tale... People are met to fall apart.. You're supposed to get over her... She's moved on.. She.. Don't even remember you... Even if someone brings up your name in front of her.. She'd give a blank clueless look...

Does it hurt? 

Like a dagger in your heart... Like a Boucher's knife with  sharp hooks is stabbed in your stomach and then twisted ... And when it's pulled out, it pulls out your bleeding intestines... And parts of your last meals spills out of your mouth, soaked in blood and smell of gutter.. 

It hurts... And no one can ease the pain... It's an alienating feeling.. And no matter what happens..you'll never ever be the same person again... 

Yes it's true.. Truth can change you... Truth does change you.. It changes you to something you hate, something monstrous.. Something below pond scum.. Something that's not alive... Something that exists but don't live.. Something that's a matter... But it doesn't matter at all.. 

And the worst thing is that even after knowing that it's killing you inside out... You're happy with the way it is.. You have accepted the cancer is at the last stage.. And it doesn't matter if you live or die.. You can light up another cigarette or gulp down another bottle because you know that death is certain.. And there's nothing that you can do about it..  It just can't get any worse.. Too late for redemption...

It's said that you should  let go the one you love.. If they come back... They're yours .. If they don't.. They were never yours... 

Fine we let them go.. Go , went,  gone.. Never come back..wipe off our memories.. They were never meant to be... Live your life.. Fall in love.. Grow old with the one you love.. Live happily ever after.. 

 But what about us? Where's the rest of the quote? Where do we go after it ends? 

Where's our salvation.. Nirvana.. ? 

Hum jeete ek baar hai.. 

Marte ek bar hai.. 

Pyar.. 

Pyar bhi shayad ek hi bar hota hai.

The end... ? 

Roots

For long,

He longs,

The loner...

The bird,

Who fly high...

Does not fall in for a small tree..

He chose the peak to be his nest..

Where he can rest... No pest... 

In the arms of sun... 

Where we thought no one can survive..

Where we thought only death is alive..

Death... Explosions.... Misery.. Pain...

No place for for life... Love or sane...

He was a saint when sane,

But now... insane.....

He took off the weight... Before he flew.. 

Was it the shoe... Taboo? Blue? 

He flew for long... And evolved through lives... He became untraceable.. Unreadable.. He became what he wanted... Invulnerable.. Impeccable.. Irresistible... 

The only regret was the loss of root... The home where he was bloomed... The touch of sensitivity...The smell of heaven... 

He forgot.. 

where he left the shoe... 

The weight ... 

Ohh the story... So true... 

Post the peak

An utterly piece of crap.. Passed on from generations to generations... Precisely the middle middle class... The whole working division of people ruled by rulers and elites and jumbled world of non exclusive non existent loathe of egoism... Plague of tart and misery... 

And in the same piece of shit hole there you find a new meaning to life... Where you find a   Person that proves you wrong against all odd... When you're stuck up on the miserable practical life of morning drill and licking off other higher positional person's arsehole.. And there she is... Smiling.. Proving you wrong... And you can't help but notice that little flower in the mud... The whole meaning of life is changed by the curve of her lips... Her breathe... So mesmerising you can feel her around the air.. You thank the almighty for giving you the air.. You both breathe in... 

Suddenly there's an instant connection between the two of you.. You fortunate piece of shit thank your pharos that you're breathing the same air she's breathing... You're under the same sky ... You share the same moist rugged asymmetrical path filled with dirt and holes and patches of water... 

Your lost part of soul is standing in front of you... The lost part of your unsolved maze..  puzzle... You take few steps and there you're...  Your lost part of life... The lost part ... You can reach the perfection... But the part needs a commitment... A promise... Honesty.. You're worth of none... You're emotionally unavailable... You've crossed the path a while ago... You've seen the result... You've seen the miserable fuck you become once other have the key to screw up with your head... Screw up your life... Bolt pain inside your skull... Play with you... 

You take a step back... You're back to the emotional unavoidability..., the barriers are up... The walls around your heart are too high.. Even the bravest one will pass on to it.. The more the climb the more your mockery will bring them down... 

You are untraceable... Impassable... Unbreakable.. You've paid the price... You've to take the infamous titles of ass... You love it... 

It's far better then breaking up again... 

And losing to someone undeserving scum on the face of earth...

Opium opinion

I don't generally get praised for my words... Maybe for the looks on the odd events or a cold ugly night where no one can see me but for my conversation skill... This one is first.. (Not first, but closest one can say) 

I suck at conversation.. At least that's what i think of myself.. But there was an interesting opinion about my communication by this lovely girl i met few days ago...

Something that i read thrice over and over just to realize that someone do have a pleasant ( it's different.. That's pleasant for me)view on me...

Goes like this.

" You have an amazingly charming personality. It is just intriguing. this sheer confidence that you have is just perfect. You have come a long way. U have worked hard to achieve this confidence. Not saying that it wasn't there, but still, you flaunt it more openly now. 

It took time. But now that you have achieved this you are happy with it. Really happy. Cause now instead of making others happy and making urself happy by making them happy, u actually try to keep urself happy on ur own terms. But the touch of sensitivity has not been lost. You are humble. This sarcastic funny guy is amazing and he is here 24/7 but the emotional sensitive side of you is a treat for sore eyes. You have evolved. From all the drama. Taught urself to be what you are today. 

You have been awesome forever. But this is a lil different, this is a realisation. the time after you have taught urself that you have been healed. But maybe you have not. But its a part of u now. You are a person who knows how to take life as a verse. You know how to talk about ur problems in sarcasm. Even i do that. Nd that is one rare quality. You have been so adorable all your life and good to people for sure, but the reciprocating has not much happened. Or you're just too modest. this dark side of yours is also the real you and the fun side as well. You balance both faces efficiently which makes you ever more charming. You're not easily ready to talk bout feelings cause you don't want to and there is no coming back soon once you do. So finding the trust and confidence to do it lacks. Cause you don't want to be dependable. You don't  try to compliment someone in the honest words. As in you don't want to make bonds. You don't  want baggage so you keep your distance by all means all the way while making them feel as if "ohh they know you so well and they mean so much to you" But you really dont wanna show the same all the time. 

You are fucking amazing with words. Basically they are orgasmic at times and you know it and are proud of it. But you won't  show.

You My love are the blend of emotions, a lil patience, a lot wildness, dark humor perfectionist...."

closest.. yes it is... 

sunday

So here am i lying on the moist and cold grass of central park... The sweet smell of moist grass is driving me mad... The calm breeze is waving my recently done pompadour...

Being a Sunday, I'm carrying a loose trashed ripped jeans with an old nike T-shirt, i wore my silver bracelet after a while and it does feel raw and rooted.

I'm staring at the biggest flags of our nation... And my head is resting on the lap of a tranquil girl..

The lingering smell of her is overshadowing the smell of grass.. Her warm lap and cozy lap is irresistible and i feel like chopping it off and take it to home with me...

She's drawn into her tab since she has a major exam for tomorrow but she do manage a couple of seconds now and then to look at me and wave a flying kiss while pouting her lips.. I respond with a sweet smile..