wet

I usually spend about 30 minutes into the washroom,
Before I do anything I turn on the geezer because I can’t stand cold water in the morning it ruins the night  I’ve still stored in my eyes.
I used to trim my hair daily but since last few months  I’ve started keeping a little stubble but fairly trimmed 
I brush my teeth twice because the first time the tooth of brush is hard and it gets too rough on gums, it follows with a Listerine mouthwash. I like to dilute the mouthwash a little before rolling it in my mouth. It’s too stingy to be taken without a 20 ml of water in it.
While the whole procedure of getting ready for work lasts, my eyes are drowsy and you can sense it from the puffiness and although you might find them attractive in certain ways, I feel like punching anyone I see that time because yes, I’m a little cranky at the mornings, usually people find it delightful to greet with a smile and I like to respond with a middle finger pointed at them
 I can barely see through my eyes and there are often times when I pick up a facewash instead of a toothpaste to put on to my brush.

I like taking a shower naked because I don’t like anything coming between my skin and the hot stream of soothing water,   there’s something eternally enchanting about the warm water touching your skin, like if the water had feelings, it will be getting intimate with you in most alluring ways, touching you at places no one else would ever think of.

I can do with any soap they all comes from the same fats potassium sodium treated under strong chemical preservatives with a tad bit of different colors and fragrances, in the end they’re all serving same purpose in mildly different way.
I don’t use soap for my face since the skin of face is much sensitive that can be affected by the smallest of things, that’s why I use a lemon based facewash or something which include benzoyl  peroxide and salicylic acid in strong composition since I have a acnegenic  skin, while purchasing a facewash I make sure that it doesn’t have a perfume or any fragrance, because people don’t sniff your face whenever you’re with them, not generally.

 The only shampoo I use is the one with anti dandruff property, that’s it that’s all, pour some on my palm gently spread it over the palm of the other hand and play a little with your hair, let the bubbly mess reached the roots of my hair crawl onto my scalp and don’t leave a single hair untouched.

I Wait for 1-3 minutes and rinse it off with the warm water.

That’s almost all of it…
almost….

  

Jerry

I remember that day when i saw you for the first time.

You were trying to squeeze yourself in the corner of a small cartoon, you were scared of all of us.. You couldn't even fill the corner that box. Your eyes were popping out of your small tiny head. Your fur ohh the fur... It was smoother than the cashmere wool. Your pocket sized paws were so cute i could just eat them up...the tail like a shred of noodles, pea sized little vampire teethes that you loved to dig on my sweeter or my fingers.. 

You could fit on my palm like it's the place where you actually belong. 

I remember when i posted your picture on Facebook, my ex commented "finally you have someone you can enjoy with" yes. You were someone whom i could enjoy with. You loved to sleep on my abdomen every now and then, and pissed me off everytime you pissed or puked on my bed.

I hated to take you out because you'd pee or scratch the walls for hours like you were some engraving artist.. People's dog follow them but i followed you everywhere you went. You'd follow random people, pee or chew tyres of cars and create ruckus for everyone... 

I remember, when the first time i broke up with someone I truly loved. I'd spend hours hugging, patting and caress your back. I didn't notice but you always felt my pain. In the deepest eye contact we used to have, showed me how much love you had for me. You were more than a pet to me, you were my brother, my best friend, my child, my counsellor you were more than world to me..You understood me in the best way no human ever can or ever will for that matter.. 

Yes I don't care about anyone except my family and you were a intigrated part of it..you were the best part of it..

I remember how you used to love cucumber and jump on every slice of it.

How you jumped on to my chest everytime i came back from office i never minded the scars your nails gave me since for me they were a sign of your affection... I remember how My nephew and niece used to tease you day and night but you never ever barked at them... I hated them whenever they tried to pull your tail or sit on your back and you had to go away from me at such moments..., 

I'm sorry you had to suffer when my parents and i moved away from your place... And I often though of going back to that place just to meet you but than I couldn't... Humans have lost humanity i guess... 

I hate myself for not being there to witness your final moments... Your last breath... Your last expression.. I hate myself for not caressing your back when you were going through that intense pain... For not kissing your forehead when your soul flew away... 

  

Jerry my love. 

You passed away leaving a hole in my heart and emptiness in my life... 

See you on the other side brother...

I too had a birth date

I don't know about all of you but I'm pretty sick of celebrating birthday every year... It gets old after sometimes.. Yes i was born, so was the rest of billions of people.. What's so special about it... Anyway..

Found a little piece of mail flickering in the inbox that went by the subject do reply.. Something i thought I should post.. 

A birthday wish from a lost soul...

 "

Hey!

So i have no freaking idea. Cuz you confused me bad. But in my memory. 

A VERY BERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOGESH!!

Been trying to write a perfect letter for a week now. Vain. 

We have known each other ten months today!  Yeah. Ten months. We have laughed we have fought we have stared at each other embarrassed stares more laughs and stares kissed a few times. We still know so less about each other yet i feel as if we are so close. We talk about things and pain being our strongest suit and put on the cover of being non emo. You especially. Maybe you are. Your are 24 today. Woah! Lost your youth years ago yes. Still young in my eyes. I wish i could be there today with you. Well i wanted to. Had the perfect plan. But had made promises to my nephew to take him out. So couldn't say no. No excuses here allowed. I know. 

I want to make you happy cuz of me too. You are at peace and you are content sort of.as you say. Good. Well i have atleast been one of the constant women in your life for the past months. That makes me glad. Feels good. I want to sot with you like before and talk just talk. Hope it happens soon. I get permission. And be less fearful. 

Want to make you laugh. Want to see you blush. Yes you do blush. Want to stare at you and get those chills when you stare back. Just us. Having fun like we used to. We both need it. I do. 

I hope this year brings you happiness. Hope this birthday changes things and take you more closer to your professional goals. And yes the few clicks on snapchat too. So you can flash all you want. :*

My opinions of you are still the same as they were day one. But I won't call you sad anymore. I trust you. What you say. You van find your own happiness and distarctions very well wherever you want. Admire that about you. Its better than sitting alone and crying. Isn't it. Probably. Well. Be content. It suits you. It always will. DON'T LET ANYONE DULL YOUR SPARKLE. wrote it in the letter too. Don't know if you have ever read it again. Its just a reminder for you of how amazingly cute you are. And how i am always there by your side standing next to you in all good and bad. For i wanna be your angel with the horns on my head. :p 

Will be here for you. Maybe not meet you. But we always got skype biba. I am not a good person i know that. I remember you were by my side onmy birthday and always are here whenever i ask. But i suck i know. You made my birthday so so so much special. Hope i could do the same. But al i am doing is writing you a freakishly long email. I know we talked about a lil details pf your past. I atill regret it at times. But mglad now i know your pain atleast a bit. If not all. I am really really sorrgabout that. 

But yu came out headstrong again. Super proud of you. Stars are in your eyes darling. You will always shine. And it rhymed. Wow. 

I am here. Holding your hand always. Don't let go. I am here for you. Not just for me.  

I would love to all your tattoos one day in person. Let's cuddle and talk. Oh you don't cuddle. Hmm. Its okay. We can. Your secrets are safe with me bibaa. Always. 

 Cuddle ❤️

Hehe. So pushy i am. 

A very berrry happy birthday my wolfy!! 

Stay awesome. The handsomest star. 

L you 

Won't say it before you do now. 

Hehe

mmmuaaah!!! 

Laaado meri. "

I seriously melt whenever i imagine her calling me laado... 

To which i replied... 

"

It's just the way i want it to be.
i was born, that was a good enough reason to celebrate. but i was born 24 years ago. PERIOD. Birthday is just another day for me,
i don't believe in celebrating the fact that I've lived for another year without much of a loss. Or i've gained some extraordinary experience in this period, nothing like that. evolution isn't constant, doesn't have a cycle.

anyway.
thanks for your wishes.
yes, I'm at peace, I'm happy with the distractions because this makes me live the life to it's full potential. I've added another chapter to it by joining talwalkars at c scheme. because i needed to fill the space between getting off from work to going back to my home and taking care of the plants. I'm not a fan of healthy life or anything but just wanted to spend the time by doing something constructive. Yes. I'm living life the way i want, so later on after 10 years I don't have any regrets for not trying. I've stopped shaving since past 2-3 months and shaved off my head again. i laugh at strangers who's first reaction after watching me is that if i'm muslim or sikh. It's a fun fact that how easily our society judges a person based on his looks, gesture or the way he persuade stuff. You can call me an ISIS agent or Amish for instance.. doesn't matter. never did.

And it's not about you and me having a discussion about that era of my life. everyone has their fare share of good time and bad time, what matters is how you handle the situation. I happen to handled it in worst ways that i never feel pride for, maybe everything happens for a reason. I don't think about life as if things would have been better if that part didn't occurred in that particular way in my life. what happened... happened. We can't change it. A great love story doesn't have a happy ending. Cliché, i know.. but yes its true.

but life is much better then these things, we have so much to live for, smallest moments can give you greatest pleasure, for instance I've just realised i don't  stare much at keyboard to type. it's a cause of happiness.. small yet it holds it's beauty.
focus on yourself and learn the art of perfection. been my mantra for a while now. I've learned that you shouldn't be dependent on others for your happiness, everyone has their own set of problems to deal with. If you want to do something take first step towards it, toddler step, but a step, at least you've pride that you chose this path, trust me pappi ji, even if you fail at a wrong decision, you'll have a glory of taking it yourself. and don't press the blame on others for your life.


Does it affect me that even after being 24 you're chicken shit scared off your parents, a little yes. do i care? nope. i don't really think about it. your life, your policies. At least you can be happy about the fact that your shit rich.. :P kidding. you're awesome at correcting other's grammar.. and you've got soft paws.. i just want to eat them up.. :P . do i advice you to do anything.. nope. just find the purpose to live... that's what i search for.


Am i at a better place now. Yes, and it can always get better if i push myself an extra mile. another breathe... another step.


being happy or sad is just a matter of choice.
you just have to find yours.

xoxo Saiba,
hugs and love.

I don't have a reason to post this one but whenever i read this conversation... I found that I'm so full of myself.. Lol.. 

Love yourself.. 

Dillusioned

Sitting in this dim witted circle of society... I look around and find  People dissolved in their mortal conversations about immortality... 

Seeking wisdom and guidance of an grey soul... I starred at Mr.Old monk and Words spilled out of my mouth... "Tell me about this place.. What it used to be a few decades ago... What changed in these years.. Where is it going to stand in next few years... Is it loosing it's integrity in the order of persuading something bigger or better.. "

And words echoed into my ears... 

Jungle... Jungle hua karta tha.. 

Tab lakadi ka hua karta tha.. 

Ab lokhad ka ban raha hai.. 

Tab yahaan jaanwar raha karte the, 

Ab yahaan jaanwar raha karte hai.. 

Tab bade janwar choton ka shikar karte the,

Aur bache tukdon se geedadh lomdi apni zindagi guzarte the.. 

Ab bhi kuch aisa hi hai..

Too late for redemption

Road journey destination.. 

While traveling back from Delhi... I'm staring blank at this quote.. 

"You can't change the truth.. 

But the truth,

Can change you.. 

Forever... " 

How simply someone had put entire meaning of life in few mortal lifeless words... How one incident flips someone's life upside down... Yin and Yan.. 

Yes I'm drunk.. Again.. A quarter of local rum was good enough to evolve the buried corpse of a writer out of this dead pool of cold blood..

Loving someone is your fate.. Your luck... You won't say that you'll ever regret that decision... If i had the chance, I'll do it all over again... In a blink of eye without thinking twice...Because it was the most beautiful.. Unforgettable... Journey.. The first mistake of my life... It's like being hooked to a dead end... Fatal addiction.. 

When you know you're an alcoholic and your liver will give up soon if you won't stop drinking... Oops.. Bad reference.. Pretty self contradictory...let's try a new one..  Like having a smoke... You know.. This is dead end... Your lungs will give up on you soon... But you can't stop... Reminds me of one of my late relative ... He was a chain smoker... Even after knowing that he can die any moment if he won't stop smoking... He'd puff another cancer stick... Boosting the immunity of cancer cells of his lungs.. Guess he accepted his body for what it was... For what it had... He accepted the cancer cells.. He fead them smoke and tobacco and promoted their growth till the end.. 

Same goes when you're hopelessly obsessed with a dead person.. Remember the first half of ps i live you.. ? Something like that.. Well the sad part.. Just the sad part.. No pun included.. The reality is in front of you... Your friend will shook the hell out of you and slap reality on your face numerously trying to show you the practical life.. The logical truth.. You can see that whatever happened.. Happened... You can't change the ending.. Life is not a fairy tale... People are met to fall apart.. You're supposed to get over her... She's moved on.. She.. Don't even remember you... Even if someone brings up your name in front of her.. She'd give a blank clueless look...

Does it hurt? 

Like a dagger in your heart... Like a Boucher's knife with  sharp hooks is stabbed in your stomach and then twisted ... And when it's pulled out, it pulls out your bleeding intestines... And parts of your last meals spills out of your mouth, soaked in blood and smell of gutter.. 

It hurts... And no one can ease the pain... It's an alienating feeling.. And no matter what happens..you'll never ever be the same person again... 

Yes it's true.. Truth can change you... Truth does change you.. It changes you to something you hate, something monstrous.. Something below pond scum.. Something that's not alive... Something that exists but don't live.. Something that's a matter... But it doesn't matter at all.. 

And the worst thing is that even after knowing that it's killing you inside out... You're happy with the way it is.. You have accepted the cancer is at the last stage.. And it doesn't matter if you live or die.. You can light up another cigarette or gulp down another bottle because you know that death is certain.. And there's nothing that you can do about it..  It just can't get any worse.. Too late for redemption...

It's said that you should  let go the one you love.. If they come back... They're yours .. If they don't.. They were never yours... 

Fine we let them go.. Go , went,  gone.. Never come back..wipe off our memories.. They were never meant to be... Live your life.. Fall in love.. Grow old with the one you love.. Live happily ever after.. 

 But what about us? Where's the rest of the quote? Where do we go after it ends? 

Where's our salvation.. Nirvana.. ? 

Hum jeete ek baar hai.. 

Marte ek bar hai.. 

Pyar.. 

Pyar bhi shayad ek hi bar hota hai.

The end... ? 

Roots

For long,

He longs,

The loner...

The bird,

Who fly high...

Does not fall in for a small tree..

He chose the peak to be his nest..

Where he can rest... No pest... 

In the arms of sun... 

Where we thought no one can survive..

Where we thought only death is alive..

Death... Explosions.... Misery.. Pain...

No place for for life... Love or sane...

He was a saint when sane,

But now... insane.....

He took off the weight... Before he flew.. 

Was it the shoe... Taboo? Blue? 

He flew for long... And evolved through lives... He became untraceable.. Unreadable.. He became what he wanted... Invulnerable.. Impeccable.. Irresistible... 

The only regret was the loss of root... The home where he was bloomed... The touch of sensitivity...The smell of heaven... 

He forgot.. 

where he left the shoe... 

The weight ... 

Ohh the story... So true... 

Post the peak

An utterly piece of crap.. Passed on from generations to generations... Precisely the middle middle class... The whole working division of people ruled by rulers and elites and jumbled world of non exclusive non existent loathe of egoism... Plague of tart and misery... 

And in the same piece of shit hole there you find a new meaning to life... Where you find a   Person that proves you wrong against all odd... When you're stuck up on the miserable practical life of morning drill and licking off other higher positional person's arsehole.. And there she is... Smiling.. Proving you wrong... And you can't help but notice that little flower in the mud... The whole meaning of life is changed by the curve of her lips... Her breathe... So mesmerising you can feel her around the air.. You thank the almighty for giving you the air.. You both breathe in... 

Suddenly there's an instant connection between the two of you.. You fortunate piece of shit thank your pharos that you're breathing the same air she's breathing... You're under the same sky ... You share the same moist rugged asymmetrical path filled with dirt and holes and patches of water... 

Your lost part of soul is standing in front of you... The lost part of your unsolved maze..  puzzle... You take few steps and there you're...  Your lost part of life... The lost part ... You can reach the perfection... But the part needs a commitment... A promise... Honesty.. You're worth of none... You're emotionally unavailable... You've crossed the path a while ago... You've seen the result... You've seen the miserable fuck you become once other have the key to screw up with your head... Screw up your life... Bolt pain inside your skull... Play with you... 

You take a step back... You're back to the emotional unavoidability..., the barriers are up... The walls around your heart are too high.. Even the bravest one will pass on to it.. The more the climb the more your mockery will bring them down... 

You are untraceable... Impassable... Unbreakable.. You've paid the price... You've to take the infamous titles of ass... You love it... 

It's far better then breaking up again... 

And losing to someone undeserving scum on the face of earth...