Let the world know about us

I will be with you till life exist
I will be with you till I exist

I never liked being in an hospital neither As a visitor nor as patient, I used to hold my breath whenever  I saw a sick patient thinking I might catch the dieses he have. But this time, it was different, I was worried for  my shone  more than anything on this world, I was already late and the chemo session was half way done. I waited for 4 to 5 hours until she came out of therapy room. She was dull, for a moment I couldn’t recognize my Sakshi. She was looking twice her age, her long hairs were gone, her skin was pale yellow, and her eyes were looking like she hasn’t closed them from years. I was unable to bare her condition, I just stood up in a moment and went away making an excuse for water, I sipped few drops of water and washed a lot from my eyes.

As I went inside her room, our eyes met after two years, she stayed silent  neither I could spoke a word, I realized that she didn’t wanted me to know anything about her that time, still she gave words to the unnamed feelings in our hearts and spoke with a mild emotional touch. Hey sissy girl. Are you done with your daily soap drama?
 I didn’t said a word, I wasn’t in mood of cracking jokes at that time. we saw each other after two whole years and the first thing she said was a comment?  without giving attention to what she said I went straight to her bed, pushed her a little aside and lied beside her and said :
 if I was a girl than we would have been lesbians.
She gave me a week smile and even I tried to laugh at my own joke.
 But we both knew we were faking it.
Sakshi said: how did you found out where am I?
me: I know someone who know someone who know someone,  you know how these things work.
Sakshi:  I am serious Yeshu.
Me: I tried to call you for last time, you never picked up my call after you left school still I tried for the last time because I wanted to share something with you.
Sakshi: and what was that?
Me: I got into an engineering college.
Sakshi: That’s wonderful news boy, you cracked into engineering, that’s great!
Me: (ignoring her wishes) No that’s not!
 Your maid picked up that call and told me everything.

The room was filled with a silence of graveyard.
No one has ever imagined that the sweetest girl in 10^th c, who has never harmed anyone ever in her life, will get sick dieses like cancer. Why does that happened god? Politicians, terrorists, people who kill peoples for no reasons and ruins their lives must get cancer, not someone who build and give reasons to other’s life,   I cursed god for the first time in my life.
Finally she said
Sakshi: ok drama over now get me some papaya shake I am starving badly…!
Me: sure I’ll just ring the nurse from this landline.
Sakshi: can’t you get me one from outside? Canteen juice sucks.
I didn’t wanted to leave her that time I wanted to hold every moment inside me forever I wanted to capture each expression each word of her for forever at the same time I wanted her to feed something, she had lost a lot of weight so I had to get her everything she asks for.
Me: I’ll be back in a minute.
I went to buy a shake for her outside the hospital, it was a huge crowd in the juice parlor since everyone wanted fresh juice for their relatives, Somehow I managed to make my way into that crowd and bought  six shakes and juices of different fruits, I wanted her to feel fully energized. i came up with all juices packed in a polythene. When I was at the door of her room I saw her wiping her face with a napkin. Trying to cope up with situation I said: I think we should cut the TV connection in this room, you are seeing a lot of daily soap these days, and you must be the biggest reason for increasing TRP of Ekta’s serials.
Sakshi said: it’s not TV I was crying.
She said those words with a week smile on her lips. that’s not fair, at one time she scolded me for having tears in my eyes and right after that she starts to cry and i couldn’t turn her happy again, I couldn’t control  my emotions at that moment and started crying. Her father was sitting outside the room, he saw me and then Sakshi,
Sakshi saw her dad and screamed with tears in her eyes: please get him out of this room, I don’t want to see him or anyone by now…!!!
Her dad grabbed my arm and started walking away from Sakshi. I resisted but couldn’t do much at that time.
He said: look boy… I know you have a soft spot for Sakshi , but you can’t give up like that, it will affect her health and I won’t let that happen to my daughter.
“Stay tough or stay away from my daughter.”

I nodded. I didn’t wanted to argue with her dad that time, it was tough time for him as well, sakshi was his only daughter and he loved her more than anyone. I returned home at 6 am. My mother could see it on my face, she asked plenty of questions to which I had only one answer.
“ sakshi has cancer”
I closed the door of my room, I didn’t bothered about changing or even removing my shoes, I lied down on bed and went in deep memories I had with sakshi.
parents entered room inquiring more about sakshi and requested me to eat something cause I already  skipped breakfast that morning and didn’t ate anything in whole day.
 I am sleepy, please close the door.
dad: but son at least change  your cloths.
me: I will, just let me sleep now.
 They left my room and I went in her thoughts again.


 I came back to hospital next day with a huge red rose bouquet and some dark chocolate’s, I thought it might cool her down from yesterday’s matter.
I entered her room with a big smile.
Sakshi:  Who are you?
me: how can you forget me, my moon? Have you forgotten the days and nights we have spend with each other how can you forget about our son waiting for you to come back to home??
Everyone in that room laughed including sakshi’s mother who never smiled after sakshi’s illness.
Sakshi: you know very well how to impress a girl don’t you?
Me: of course. I am a pro.
We both laughed again and I placed the bouquet and chocolates on the nearest table and sat on the nearest chair to her bed without fearing her father.

If it was a normal day her father would have smashed my head in the very nearest wall but he didn’t did it than, her parents went out of room and left us alone.
Me:  I have another thing for you.
Sakshi : oh!  Great and what’s that?

Me: it’s something I have written about us.
Sakshi: I always knew you will write but I didn’t knew you will write about us.
(Her cheeks showed a little pink shine)
what are you waiting for? Read it for me.

I started reading

 10^th standard was all about late night movies, bunking classes and eating samosa’s at school canteen. it was my alternate day’s issue with teachers that  whenever I entered class I was humiliated first then directed to my bench for coming late, though I was good at making excuses but every teacher didn’t fell for what I say, aasha ma’am was one of those.
When I entered class that morning I knew I was about to serve some poisonous words by aasha ma’am with an innovative way of punishing. Ma’am: sit beside Sakshi, she’s new in our class and tell her about the history of our school as well as introduce her to everyone.
She said those words like I as I was the founder of school and I knew every bit of detail of our school.
well there she was, roll no 24,first bencher , four eyed geek…
as I sat beside her she placed her bag in between us  and I was thinking “she thinks I’m going to bite her, what am I, a vampire or what, bloody book worms”

Sakshi interrupted me in middle of reading and said:  geek? Book worm? Nice thoughts about the girl you love Mr. Yeshu.
I smiled a bit and said : well that’s what happened soniyo… bitter truth, swallow it..! (And gave a wide smile)
Sakshi(while laughing): ok ok.. Continue now.

(Reading continue)
    I kept silent while the class went on from this to that period. To kill time, I started drawing Sakshi’s picture on the last page of a note book (don’t ask me why, I just found her interesting) as I was busy in my master piece, Sakshi tabbed  me on my shoulder and said ”it’s not round glass, make it rectangular” what did she said? Is she new in class or me ? I am the one who is supposed to start the conversation not her.
Anyway I looked at her eyes to recheck her glasses, yes, the glasses were rectangular,
 but her eyes were spectacular.
I starred her for a minute or so and then said: ohh sorry I wasn’t drawing you it was just girl I saw outside the class. She laughed and said: I know everything ok? I am Sakshi and you?
  I thought she’d have started screaming at that time but that was a surprising reply.
I said slowly: I am Yeshu.
Sakshi: okay so are you properly from jaipur or somewhere else.
me: I am from jaipur basically but I didn’t lived here from my birth since  my father was in air force and they have posting system so we had to shift in between states.
but after an early retirement of my father we have been living with the rest of our family.

As I finished with my answer she was already ready with another rapid fire question, she asked me about my family, my father’s profession and many other things. She said those things in such tone like she was interrogating me about national security.
she went on speaking and speaking and speaking but  She seemed a nice girl to me, she was transparent from her heart.

We became friends at first then good friends then best buddies that can’t live without spending time together. Time flew like a time machine whenever I was with her, the best thing of our friendship was I never had to speak much as she  knew everything on my mind and I loved that. Sakshi did a lot for me that I can never repay her back, she helped me a lot with my studies, she helped me maintaining my schedule of sleeping and eating, I found a miniature of my mother in her.  I remember

 One day I  was hungry because I didn’t bought  my  Tiffin as my mother was sick. Sakshi offered me her Tiffin , it might be casual for everyone but for me no one ever had offered me a bite of their lunch, maybe because I always preferred  canteen’s  samosa   over friend’s lunch box . But this time couldn’t decline those innocent eyes.

 she used to do a eye thing often, it was like an illusion trap for me, I just couldn’t resist it. Well the lunch box was over and we both end up starving for more cause that lunch was made only for one person. So we planned to bunk the next lecture and visit our canteen, I didn’t cared for what she liked and bought 2 samosas . 

 Sakshi:  I don’t like samosa, I want a burger.

I checked my pocket and I had only few change remained. Samosa was about 5 bucks and burger was an English junk item for us that time, obviously it was costly then samosa. Leaving me with no choice I went to counter and gave up those samosas,  added 5 bucks from my pocket and  bought her a burger. Looking at her smile when she saw that burger in my hand was worth a lot for me. I felt no more hunger in my stomach that time, I felt, satisfied. While enjoying her burger she said where is your burger?

I didn’t want to ruin her smile and said  I already ate it at the counter.

 On which she said “ bloody fatso, couldn’t you wait for a minute for me? “ I didn’t said a word then but just enjoyed moments with her. She wasn’t hungry because she had burger and neither did I because I had her.

The bun that kills hunger is known as burger, I learned it that day. 

SHE INTRUPTED AGAIN, This time without her words but her tears, it wasn’t a big deal even she would have done the same thing for me.

I wiped her tears and said : shall I continue or read the rest tomorrow?

Sakshi: I don’t know how much time is left with me and I am uncertain on every upcoming moment so please read it all…

my dried eyes were wet again by what she said. Somehow I continued.

On the last day of our final exams we planned for a trip to a nearby park, as I walked out of exam hall I saw her standing on the corner of the bike stand hiding her face from the crowd. As I walked few more steps towards her I realized she had started moving away from me. I ran and grabbed her from back and turned her toward me.  She was in tears. She could hardly breathe at  that moment. I don’t know what came into my head I pulled her toward me and pushed  her head on  my chest. She kept sobbing and I kept waving my hand in her hairs. Words were no more necessary to convey our feelings.

Me: are you okay?

Sakshi: I screwed this one badly.

Me: don’t worry . You’ll do well. At least more than me.

(She knew I was an average student)

Sakshi: stop it Yeshu.(with a light smile)

and punched me softly with her elbow.

     

We didn’t spoke a word of exam while sitting in park. I lied on the grass while Sakshi was sitting and listening to some tracks on my small radio. While taking about casual things my eyes went sleepy cause I didn’t slept for whole night before that exam. Sakshi noticed a small diary  slipping out of my bag. It was my personal diary, and there was only one page filled up on it.

Dear diary,

What is Sakshi doing to me? I know I am selfish for the world but when it comes to her why am I eager to sacrifice my eternity? Every time I see her, I feel like I have a reason to be alive, heart beats faster than it does, hands desires to touch her, everything else just disappear in front of her. If she won’t wear glasses , Even god might hypnotize by  the innocence and deepness of her eyes .Her eyes her smile her hairs her lips everything about her is so special that I never had seen before. I have been friends with girls before , but  what makes her different from the rest? Why do I feel so protective about her? Why do I feel like ripping apart every boy she talks to?

Why do I feel life is too small to spend with her.???

I am lonely in this crowd of greed,

It’s like an empty house,

Like a life with no lead,

And there she is, with a spring believe

I just want to be,

The one she need…

I wish she’ll see, 
what I feel, I see
I wish she’ll breathe, 
same air I breathe

I wish she’ll feel same way for me, 
I wish she’ll want to be,
the one I need... 

Sakshi closed the diary and put it back into my bag. She had tears in her eyes. She removed her glasses wiped her tears off and a fresh smile came on her face. Sakshi woke me up after few minutes and said it’s getting late we must be going to our home by now. She didn’t said a word about diary. Without knowing a thing about what just happened? I yawn and dusted the grass off my trouser, I reached home and slept back on my bed.

It was summer break by then, Sakshi and I were apart for the whole period of the vacations. We didn’t had cell phones at that time neither we had any landline number of each other. I realized her importance in my life when she was away from me. Time went back to slow speed, infect slower than ever. Swimming was no more fun, watching movies seemed senseless.  I felt like I lost reason to live, I felt like there was nothing left to see on this entire earth.

   

We met again. When we saw each other after 3 long months, we couldn’t look away. She had stolen my eyes. I couldn’t move an inch from my place, I was numb, so was she, she was starring right  into my eyes. We came closer and greeted each other formally. We sat on a bench in an empty class room

 and talked about what missed with each other in those 3 months. To my surprise she had chosen same subject as I did.  The conversation continued.

Sakshi: do you know why I chose science?.

Me: Nope. Why did you? You were good at other subjects too. You could have scored more in commerce.

 Sakshi: because you were good at science.

Me: (blank expression for a minute)

what are you talking about?? How does my score affect your subject?

Sakshi: I saw your diary.

Four words that came out of her mouth gave me answers to my all questions. I was afraid. I was scared. I didn’t knew how to reach on that situation so I tried to speak up an apology.

Me: I am sorr…

Sakshi cut me in middle and said : I love you.

And then my apology was modified into I love you too

Sakshi: I know.

And she started to sing my poem I written in that page in a funny tone.

I want to beeeee the one you need… lalalala..

We both laughed.

“That was an easy job dude” I said in my thought. 

We were inseparable. We were crazy, we were spontaneous , We were in love, infect we were so madly in love, that we started bunking classes at regular basis and our playground was expanded to whole Jaipur. I remember our first date was at the Mac Donald’s  in Gaurav tower mall. I was waiting for her inside, she came half an hour late then we decided but that waiting period was a lot worth it.  She came in a ravishing avatar, I couldn’t recognize her for a second but when she waved her hand towards me, and then I came to know she was my Sakshi (that still feels amazing when I say “my Sakshi”) she was wearing black denim with a white sleeveless top over it, I realized  that  her hairs were longest in the rest of girls in our class when she let them open  cause I have always seen her in a thick pony (it doesn’t mean I notice hairs of every other girl in our class) She came and slowly pushed my cheek away with her hand and said look away or else your eyes will pop out of your head.

To which I replied:  my eyes were already popped out of my head when I glanced into your eyes for the first time. You can’t imagine how special you are looking in the rest of the crowd, I can easily spot you in a million peoples because you will stand out in all of them, defining your beauty in words won’t be possible for me. 

 I am the most fortunate guy in this world to have you.

Shreya: So am I baby, you don’t know how special you are to me. I want to be with you till I count on my last breath.

me: hey don’t say these words. Don’t even think of thinking anything like that. You will live forever.

 Shreya: okay okay. So do you want me to starve to death now or you are going to order anything for me? 

why does she bring death in every conversation we have, I just hated it whenever she used that word, anyway,

we had our youth special aloo tikki with ice tea. It was the only thing I could afford at that time.

after finishing that we headed  back to our homes on my bike. While riding I had set the rear mirrors on her face. I kept looking at her again and again.

Sakshi: stop it… I can’t stop blushing whenever you look at me.

me: and I can’t stop looking at you.

I slowly took her hand in mine and kissed it. 

I have stopped eating anything in school’s canteen cause sakshi wanted me to eat only homemade stuff, she started bringing enough food for two of us, and I loved it. Having our lunch at the most isolated place  in whole campus, distant from every other human being was our daily schedule, after eating we used to chat about this and that, about us, about life, not any but everything…  

The past never mattered, the present we didn’t cared for, the future was uncertain, we were unaware of any limits of time…

That’s how our 11^th class ended. Both of us barely passed those exams. I passed with a 59% while Sakshi scored 72%. It was heaven score for me though but for Sakshi it was a curse on her academics.

we knew we have to spend our vacation period at our homes so we exchanged numbers.  We talked for hours. And our phone bills were at seventh sky. Papa screamed at me over and over for talking too much over phone but that didn’t stop me from calling her again. After 3 weeks Sakshi stopped calling me, she even didn’t took any of my calls she never did after that. I was damn angry over her by that time.

After the vacations were over I went school, I wished to see her the moment I entered school but she wasn’t there anymore.

I was angry but at the same time I wanted her badly. I wanted to scream over her, I wanted to tell her how I felt in last few days, I wanted to curse her million times. But her absence made my situation worst.

finally I saw her after 3 months of school. She was weak as hell, as if her blood went out of her body.

I wanted to talk to her at that time but she was with her father and we didn’t shared a nice bond with each other so I decided to hold back until her father goes back. to my surprise Sakshi left with him, 

I enquired about her at the school office window and came to know that she had left school. 

I was numb I was wounded I was sore,

I felt like my soul left me alone to die…

Me: that’s it.

Sakshi:That’s it?

me: yes. That’s all I wrote.

Sakshi: why did you stop writing then?

me: I didn’t felt like writing anything  after you left me alone in school.

Sakshi : but why?

me: I don’t know, i guess I wasn’t a good writer anymore, I felt like I lost my afflatus to write.

Sakshi:  But that resulted in good didn’t it? You are an engineering student now. 

me: I am with you, nothing else matters.

Sakshi :  (Strangely )let me sleep now and leave this diary here.

I gave a look at her, she said it like she was forcing those words on her lips. Without saying a word I left her, I never wanted to but I had to because I was too greedy for her well being…

 I didn’t saw Sakshi ever after that day. I tried calling her landline but it was dead by then,

I went hospital I searched for her but she wasn’t in her room, I met her last nurse and she  told me that  her parents took Sakshi USA for her further treatment.

She could have told me, or at least she could have left me something to reach her, to connect to her but she didn’t, why did she?

I was left unanswered with all my questions.

Her nurse gave me my diary which had a rose tapped on it. I pushed that diary into my bag and went back to my home. 

when I returned  home, I felled down on my bed and  threw that  diary away, I had made up my mind that I’ll never write again, then I saw a note lying on the floor right beside that diary.

If life won I will be with you anyhow,

But if its death,

Still I will be with you in your thoughts J

the only thing you have to do is accept the world as it is,

life is just the way you treat it,

and don’t stop writing,

it would turn out to be a great source of relief for you.

PS:  let the world know about us.