Earning

I have started earning from the beginning of my childhood.
 Things that matters to no one but to me.
As far as I remember,
 While watching an old black and white television when I was 3 or so, I earned music, Moving pictures and objects, a life of its own inside a box whose quality of reception depends on the way we twist and turns its antenna. I grew with peoples running to save my life whenever I fell down and got few blood strings on my corpse, I earned their love, their shed.

At the age of 5, I was running with wheels on my shoes, my father was taught me basics of skating, I fell enormous times hurting my head, my arms and so on, I earned skills.

At 7, a candy man unknowingly dropped few Poppins candies while walking through the road in front of our rented house. I picked those candies, I ran after him and gave those back to him at the end of the road, I earned respect.
At 10, I found myself running on a racing track along with other students, I ran with all I got, still I lost the race, I earned failure with a spirit of participation.

While playing the terrorist in a school play in 5^th standard, I earned the nervousness, excitement, some unknown, unfamiliar, unexplainable feelings in stomach and becoming the one of terrifying element of 7^th C, I earned the scolding of my teachers, the disappointments of my parents.

I woke up at one time, I found myself taking a nap in our class, I saw the birds outside the window, I earned the last bench in class.
Hands parallel, straight, facing the sky, just like it was 12 on one’s watch, it was 9^th standard, I earned the laughter of class, bow downs of back benchers, Disrespect of the staff.

Few rhyming words on the end of each sentence, I was reading a poem on the stage of our school.
I came back a winner, I was holding my trophy shield. The day’s rest lectures were spend in a blank mode for me, I was high on the success, I was praising my victory.
  I earned an achievement, proud of parents.

Days went on and I was sitting on a bench in the park of my school, it was my 15^th year of life, 11^th of my schooling, I was sharing that bench with a beauty, a face full of sunshine, of blushing smile,
I was sharing a moment of contact, of intimacy. Though it was momentary, still…

I earned some hearts,
 I earned pleasure,
I earned emotions.

Thinking about those days now, I realize that I earned a type cast image by my school friends.


I was about to finish the first semester of my engineering life. I was high on my first drops of alcohol, I was legal to have a taste that was bitter from rest, it was my birthday. And I earned the cloud 9
, I was in around my friends that are no more around me.  I earned the eyes to categorize peoples, to make a section for everyone….

 
It was my second year in college and long hairs was not all that I got, I found myself among a stream of estrogens, fake smiles, desperate, idiotic and wittiness. I won’t say I am an expert but still I could sense that I was an artificial “made up crush” in campus. I wasn’t interested in any one week or a month’s romance anymore, what I wanted was just a knot for the rest of my life, In order to stay away from the chaotic crowd, I had to be rough, I earned hatred, I earned gloominess, I earned the tag of egoistic, Mr. Attitude….

what I am today Is a perception of own for everyone, everyone thinks that they can figure me out in a blink of eye, everyone thinks that I am a puzzle that they can easily crack. I earned plenty of tags for plenty of peoples.
For few I am hopelessly emotional,
for few I am a day dreamer,
for few I am flirt,
for few I am immature,
for few I am a spoiled brat,
for few I am negative,
And for few I am just like rest…

Frankly I don’t care about the world around me,
Call me whatever you want to,
I would still be what I am.
I earned a believe that humanity is still alive in few of us,

Few will see the real me…

   

U turn to break down

Life was coming on right track,
I have started to believe that things will go well for me from now on,
I was wrong…

I woke up today by a call from a close friend of mine telling me that our result has been declared and the news was published on a local newspaper, I shouted at him and went back to sleep.
“The nap is more precious to those who barely have it. ”

I woke up again few minutes later and checked online about the results but as I predicted there was nothing to see.

Within an hour I was in college. The rumors about result were echoing in my ears frequently.
The result was declared online within few minutes but the server went jammed due to overflowing visitors.
In every 5 minute, a classmate’s face glowed up with a bright score while I was still in a dilemmatic situation. Every friend of mine was stuck with their phones so was I.

The moment I saw my friend’s result, I congratulated him for a clean score board but the moment I saw mine I was shattered in pieces.
I stood from my seat, without giving a damn about the teacher standing ahead me, I didn’t hear anyone and teachers kept repeating my name.”Yeshu…! get back in class”
but I was broken from inside. My dream of becoming a 7 pointer was in vain, the constant good performance burned
in ashes with the performer itself…
I couldn’t see myself studying abroad anymore,
future is blank to me by now,
what was my mistake? I did fought enough, I sacrificed my nights & days,
wasn’t it enough?
I left college and came back home,
I switched off my cell and have no desire to turn it on anymore,
no one can ease the pain inside me.

I wanted to cry but couldn’t.
I wanted to scream but couldn’t.

I have failed the expectations of my parents,
failed in my own eyes,
failed in living a dream life,
failed everywhere,

I thought I had enough by a broken relationship,

But god had more for me,
sometime I just feels he can’t see me in high spirits,
if it is,
than let it be…
you won god,
I lose I lost I failed..


In my whole 20 years of life I never felt lonelier than I do now…

Showtime

“Yeshu, you have to dance this time, it’s our function and everyone must participate in it including you”, said Anil, who was managing our teacher’s day fest. It had been 2 years since I took part in any college festival, the reason was utter laziness or just lack of interested in anything, I don’t really know.
Last time I danced in a college fest was on 15^th November of 2009, the foundation day of our college.
“But it’s only day after tomorrow, that’s not enough time to prepare a performance” I replied.
 I was just running out from that situation since I wasn’t interested in anything at that time for me 3 hours were enough.
“I don’t know anything, you have to do it anyhow” Anil said and went away.

So now I had a task to prepare a dance performance. I was looking out for a group to perform together but that wasn’t a tough job to do since we have a mine of talent in our class (just kidding).
 There were plenty of peoples who agreed to perform together, they weren’t an expert or anything but they were eager to take part, that matters most, I got my group and the first thing on the list was checked. Now only 2 things were remaining from the list, a song and a superb choreography, we all agreed that we’ll search for some amazing popping songs and try to create few of our own steps on them, things were going well for us that time.

After a tough routine, I got some time at night to do some searching for song. I found few songs on which I could create some killer steps, I played those songs again and again and created a blue print of steps in my head, I was determined to rock the stage on teacher’s day.

“So these are songs on which we are going to dance this time” I said in front of my group members. Few hopeful and few hopeless expressions popped out on their faces. A long discussion went on what to do, when to do and how to do, I already sensed that this won’t happen easily until we all take it a bit more seriously.
Finally they concluded that this can’t happen in a day and I felt devastated, I mean, how can they do anything like this, last day they all were highly pumped up on dancing and suddenly they failed on my expectations.

“Screw it, I am not going to do it all alone”
I said it and went away to grab some lunch at our college canteen, on the way I found a classmate asking me for a hangout at a nearby spot,
I wasn’t in mood but still for her sake I agreed to go with them since I needed something to divert my mind from the chaos I had,
while having some Chinese I got a text by another girl from my class saying  ”will you be my partner in tomorrow’s dance?”
I felt like lord himself had text through that girl, I texted her back “sure” at an instant, and went back to college.
She already had a song in her mind, which she told me after I met her. It was a typical Bollywood song which I personally liked a lot.

She told me she doesn’t have a single step in her mind and I have to prepare it all at my own, she’ll just follow me.
I went home and started preparing for that song. It hardly took half an hour to choreograph the song and I slept peacefully that night.

The Showtime

I woke up an hour early that day since I had to pick her up on the way to college and teach her steps as well,
I reached our decided place on decided time but she wasn’t there, I tried to calm down and waited a bit for her arrival,
she reached there after I send her three texts and five miscalls. She did freaked me out, I felt like my morning was ruined by her….
She gave few old reasons which are constantly passed from generations to generations in girls.
I absolutely disregarded her words and ignited my bike. I drove as fast as I can scarring the hell out of her,

We reached college within 10 minutes and went straight into an empty room in which we can compose the entire song together,
that was another tough job for me since she wasn’t aware of any steps I did for that song.
She appealed to modify every step she found difficult to do and I changed that step to an easier one.

It took a lot time to teach her infect more than thrice the time to coach myself, we had only 4 hours left for our performance and we haven’t set up dance on even half of the song .
Somehow we finished our dance practice and went into the fest.
I was completely drenched by sweat while my partner was looking absolutely fine, that’s difference between girls and boys, you can’t tell a thing from a girl’s face but when t comes to a boy, you can read his story by the way he looks…
messed hairs, sweating face, disabled walk. My existence was telling what I went through in past few hours.
“You look like shit, what happened?” asked a friend of mine.
“Long story, don’t ask” I said, and took a seat beside my friend.

Our performance was later than the first half of the function so I spend that time in taking a nap on last seat of function hall.
my cell buzzed up a text from my partner “let’s do a final rehearsal”,
I found that quite acceptable, “Coming” I replied.
We did a final rehearsal and went back stage where our coordinator told us we are next on the list.

Excited, nervous, scared and few more unknown feelings were inside us. It wasn’t first time I was about to dance but every time before performance I have these few feelings which are good in a way, a thought of failure is best motivator,
while taking my steps over stage I was holding a hand of my partner, my heart beat was getting louder and I suppose my partner was feeling the same,
 I was able to hear my name echoing from a crowd of faces I never knew,
 “I am a known face in our college”, I realized it that day,

I won’t say I rocked the stage, but we did,
although we forgot few steps I won’t deny that since we prepared that piece wholly in 4 hours only,
still we managed to give a good performance which appealed to audience as well as to our teachers ,
A performance followed by loud hooting and applauds…






 



    

  

 

The Friends book

The Friends book

It was the day when I was way much agitated to talk to an old friend of mine. I was astonished to know that he was also interested in reading my blog, after chatting for few minutes about our lives, he asked me to do a favor for him and he wanted me to write a story about his relationship with a friend of her.
He had planned to gift the story to her on her 21^st birthday, being a friend I was determined to pen down a story for him…

As narrating the story I placed myself in his position, to feel what he does..

In blunt words it’s the Same old story about two buddies, the thing that makes it special is it’s about us,
the emotions we shared and the situations that we faced together, We, weren’t great example of friends since we were a little  more than friends  and less then lovers.. 

As far as I remember it was 8^th of June when I was going to live with my father for a summer break,
 I was done with my packing and the moment when I was about to leave my room, a chat popped up in my face book account, reminded me that I forgot that the pc was left ON.
I stood there and saw the chat was from you.
We had Mutual friends above 40 and strangely we were in each other’s friend lists still we never knew about that or each other,
strange isn’t it?

You: hi 
me: sorry, have to rush out, but we can chat after 10^th, I will be back  in Jaipur by then.  
You: have a safe journey 
me: ciao

10^th June,

I was back to my home town and was resting on the couch, at a sudden moment there was an instant urge to open my account, I logged in and to my disclosure you were online.
Is she jobless or she doesn’t have a life outside this virtual world, words popped up in my head.               

Me: friends call me Mr. punctual, is It.?
You: J
how was your journey? 
Me: good 
you: Where did you go? You gave me only a short notice on that. 
Me: I was with my father in Kathmandu, he has a job there, and I was free for the summer break, so I crashed into his place for passing this break.    

 

Our chat went on further formal uninteresting topics that we find interesting whenever we have it with a new person. Day passed and so the time did, we came closer and our bond got stronger than it was before.
 

Our mutual friends played a strong role in our story. You never knew the real faces behind those masks of innocent school girls as they were at same coaching institute as I did.
After talking about rest of world we realized that we talked about everything except us,

I knew just few thing about you that can be putted in a CV as well.

A Sofia girl, hopelessly sophisticated, quite decent, science student, the only child of her parents, and had a broken relationship. Not a word more than that.
In a whole 45 days we had only these few things about each other.
Quite eccentric, isn’t it?

That reminds me of the time we were drunk with our farewell gathering, I wanted to sleep but still tried to chat for some time since you insisted for it, you seemed a bit drowsy at that moment that gave me a thought to start the truth and dare game.  
The usual question a teenage boy might ask “tell me about your ex?”
All you said was,
I am sleepy,
bye.!

And I was like,
 what the fuck? Am I not worth your trust? Can’t you rely on me? I felt cast off.
I slept with those questions in my head.


We didn’t chat for next few days until both of us got into college.
to my surprise you took admission in the nearest college of mine. I was amazed, still a little gloomy over the last conversation that ended badly.


A new day arrived with new hopes and full of expectations.

I was in college and I was keen to know about those strange deeds of yours so I called up your best friend.
I knew you were opened up with your friend that’s why I thought of calling her up.

She said that there is nothing wrong with her, understand her and let her have a chance to understand you as well.
I was fulfilled with her answer.
I made up my mind on that day “I will gain your trust one day and on that day you will tell me everything that you didn’t told me before, and with the trust you didn’t had in me on that drunk night…”

Anyway, the cold war ended one night when I texted a simple hi with a “J.”
“hi “ you replied
and here’s a good thing about you.
(You’re always good to everyone even if you’re facing the bottom, even if someone takes out pleasure out of your every moment, even if you feel devastated)
I don’t know how do you manage to do this but it’s a good thing to learn from a person like you.

Our chat continued...
me: had dinner?
you: yes ,and you?
me: yup

just an easy and smooth chat with no recalls of last fight, of last night,  just like a mid aged couple, whose fight begin at sunrise but ends at night.

me: good night.
you: good night Damon :)

I still have this Damon thing remembered.

It was the night when I send you a message asking you to give me a nick name that suits me. After thinking for a long time, you gave up on that thing saying that you can’t think of any name that suits me, I felt a bit dejected and ended our chat without any night wishes…
it was ridiculously immature of me but still I did it. Hate myself for that night.

The next day went without any texts, none of us tried to reach each other.
And then in night when I was about to sleep, my phone beeped,
having a text  from you was enough to make  me surrender in our cold war,
it said “teddy”??
I replied instantly: no :(
 You: ray??
Me: never ever  :/

there was a gap in our session for about half an hour, I was thinking that I must have made some mistake or I acted way too rude on you.
And then I got a reply from you that said “Damon”

Me: are you kidding me? You mean Demon?

You: No I mean Damon. He is kind of demon but not entirely..
Me: Now who the hell is Damon?
You: look over internet for that…

And the moment I searched about Damon, it came out way too close to me. I had watched 3 seasons of vampire diaries back to back and realized Damon does suits me. J

Scene Changed to your first day at college,
When you visited the campus for the first time, I was attending my lectures. Since the lectures were way too boring, I was on the track, playing a racing game on my cell. In mid of my gaming session I spotted a unread  message from  you.
You: hello 
me: hello :)
how was your day 
You: tiring but good 
me: And why is that?
You: I went to college with dad to check out the hostel facility in there.
me: If your college is in same city then why are you choosing hostel? Don’t you love your parents or is it vice versa.. !
You: Shut up Yeshu, I’ll kill you! It’s just that I’m living on the opposite end of city and it will be a long Distance. I won’t be able to cope up with daily travelling, it’s  too damn hectic for me.

And you went on explaining further details of your hostel, roomies, facilities in which I wasn’t interested at all, but I could sense the happiness in your tone for your selection in cs stream and a new beginning in hostel life.
Frankly, I was well aware of hostel life, my cousins have been living in hostels for years but I didn’t wanted to lower your spirit at that moment so I thought to keep a golden silence on that topic.


We decided to call each other after 5 pm since both of us had college before that and we must focus on our score board as much as we enjoy with each other.

1st day of college 

 At exact 5.30 pm, I got a call from you. Quite punctual, I thought.
you: hey
me: hi there.
are you done with your classes?
you: just finished yet. 
me: And I am still stuck in college, I have this report to submit to our chemistry faculty. You had anything since morning?
You: A sandwich and a glass of milk, enough fuel to run a day.

Me: (laughing) eat something or else I will send your mother to feed you there.

Both laughed.
Half an hour of conversation and I was on the way back to home.

We were having a gala time together, endless hopeless conversations with no connection to reality, a world of our own. YOU ME US
I didn’t cared for anything but you then,
I was assure on one thing that the whole mental trauma I face in college will end on the time I’ll hear by you.  Of course you did make a lot of friends but you chose me over all of them made me feel out of the ordinary league.
 

A break

The utopia we had came to an end soon,
the excitement we had, the blossomy smile on our face, everything vanished.
you got way too much busy in your own world while I was on the same spot, life went through the twists and turns I never hoped for…
exams, practical, file submission, gossips I thought I have lost my friend.

The only time you needed me was when you were alone, when you didn’t had anybody to talk to. Still I never said anything, hoping to have the YOU back someday. Even I went on wrong path of revenge, I never thought that few relationships are about sacrifice but I was blind in frustration. You took 5, I took 10 minutes to text back. I thought it will make you realize that even I can be busy even I have an attitude of my own.

Life went back to the way they were before WE happened. Every contact we had was broken. We blocked chatting texting calling everything.

The day we actually met,

I was laying in a garden near my college, I was accompanied by a bottle of soft drink which had everything except the soft content in it, while watching the road I found you driving your scooter  I screamed your name Sanjanaaa….!
you turned your neck and gave a look on me, unexpectedly you went back to your way.
(That was like ouch in my chest, it did hurt)
i smiled and cursed my fortune again and again, and went back to the sky sight.

After few minutes I felt a kick on my left thigh,
Who the fuck is it? I screamed in a drowsy tone with my half closed eyes.
When I came back in a complete vision mode, I saw you J
 you :  so that’s the way an engineer works?( With a sarcastic smile.)

Me: you don’t need to tell me anything, just let me have my soft drink.

 Let me have it.
 You said it while snatching away the bottle from my hand.
Me: go ahead. But let me warn you first, it contains a quarter of vodka.
 Before completing my sentence you already had a large mouthful sip from it. And before I started my new sentence you threw up all of it in a go.

Me:  give me that bottle back. Kids can’t handle a drop of alcohol, and they try to handle a life alone.

My sentence was motivational or you needed a drink I don’t know that till now but you gulped half of that bottle after that sentence.
after a few moments of your transition into a drowsy drunk lady you begin to speak out loud your heart,
(This is what alcohol does, it gives you a boost to throw out everything you have inside, emotions, philosophy, desire, pain even the peanut butter sandwich you had a while ago  )

you know what, you were absolutely rude to me you selfish bastard, you went away when I needed you most, my father left home, my mother had to do all work at her own, I spend my every moment with her, I did everything that I can, I had no one to talk to, No friend deserved to hear my pain. And who did was busy with his life.

I realized that I did a horrible mistake. I shouldn’t have left her. This shouldn’t have happened, why does this happens? Why does it happen with people we love?
I held you in my arms and gave you the warmest hug I ever gave to anyone before and kept holding you in that position till you threw up on my back again.
I couldn’t do anything but smile at that moment.
you: I think I need a napkin.
Me: I think you need something bigger than a napkin.
(While passing the napkin from one hand and wiping few tear in my eyes from other)


You were in no condition to ride so we did spend few hours in that same place till you almost came out of your vodka. After which you drove back to your hostel waving a see you later with your hand with a smile on your lips.
From that night we were a joint again.
 We were back, we were together and we were a bond. J

                                                                                       


In the end of this paper one but in the mid of our real story, I want you to know that,
 I will be where ever you’ll need me,
I will be where ever you’ll feel me,
 my existence might be momentary in this world,
but I’ll be immortal till you greed me….

LOVE LIVE LEAVE

I called a friend of mine urgently to discuss our project’s chief module. It was 10:30 of night, I know it’s a wrong time to call someone but that’s me, Mr. impatient. He picked up that call after a long ring, I thought he was asleep that’s why he took so long but he wasn’t, infect he didn’t slept from past few nights, he suddenly burst out at me “what is it? Is this time to call anyone, whatever it is we’ll discuss tomorrow” and hung up on me.  That might appear normal to anyone so did to me at that moment, it was call to sleep for me as well, without thinking about our module or my friend I fell asleep… 

I was stunned to see him next day before me at college, he looked tired, his eyes were red and he had dark circles that shown his sorrowed dark night. I went near him and asked if everything is alright or not, he said “everything is fine”. We weren’t that close friends and our conversations were limited only to few topics. 

 I didn’t say a word and went straight into our class room. After some time I searched for him in our class but he wasn’t there, he was good at studies and always attended every class but not that time. I failed to think about any fishy thing in that situation too. 

Lectures were over after 12 am and I went in our canteen to grab a bite of something, I bought a cheese burger and sat over a table, my eyes were still wandering around for him. Finally I saw him from the window of our canteen, he was sitting alone on a bench behind the canteen having a smoke, I noticed few burned cigarettes beside him and a used pack of cigarette as well, I presumed he was heavily smoking. 

I went to him and asked again if everything is alright or not, he didn’t say anything but signaled me to sit beside him with tapping his left hand on the bench. I told him “I have a problem with smoke” to which he threw his cigarette away. I sat beside him and asked him again “what happened?”  His eyes were about to cry a million of tears, clearly he needed someone to support him and I had pretty much nothing to do at that moment so I decided to be that someone…

Whatever he told me and whatever I could conclude with his situation, I tried to put it in my words as him…. 

love live leave

These three words describe conditions of a marriage, marriage,  whose products are  like me

i can't describe myself,

 i know everyone used to say that they are different from rest,

 I clearly don’t know that I am alike or unlike them..

Or i belong to a certain category of depressed broken peoples

I feel that someday ill burst out of anger or pain or whatever miserable emotion it is, I can’t kill myself since I feel responsible for my parents, I live for them but watching them fighting every day, “I feel like killing myself every moment” either if I kill myself would that put an end to their situation? No it won’t, than they will call each other responsible for my death.

Whenever they fight, I put on my running shoes and run away from my home, yes, people will call me looser and advice me to stay with them and sort out their problems but people don’t know that this is the only thing I am doing from past 20 years of my life, I tried a lot to unite them together but nothing worked…

I can’t separate myself from them because I love them more than anything in my life, I pray to lord that I see the end of my life before they does.      

i just want rest of people to know that a marriage can be categorized into hell or heaven easily

You see each other,

you talk,

you date,

Try to know each other as much as you can, but don't take the decision of getting married too soon, 

why don’t you live in together for an year or so until you are sure on getting married? I know living in might look dirty or vulgar or scent of western culture to a major sector of Indian population  but that’s completely my opinion and has nothing to do with anything else. if you ask me, living in is a demonstration of how a marriage works and that can save a marriage to end too soon.

i don't know does  they ever think about me or not

For me they are perfect parents as they fulfilled every fucking thing i needed, dad is best dad for me and mom is a ocean of love.

But together? That’s not a marriage anyone will ever want…

The moral i had about marriage from my parents…

"You love each other,

Then live with each other,

Else leave each other”

I still can’t make a sense out of our conversation, why did he told me all this? This is supposed to be his family matter. He didn’t said much before to me, he never opened up this way, was it the moment in that moment or was it just a coincidence,

 Anyway I feel quite relieved since I know what exactly his problem was, and I can try to distress him from his problems…

this is story of every other teenage kid of our generation,

an awful marriage is reason for miserable lives of these kids…