The altitude...

Sunday, as usual..
After a rough working week, a person reaches heights of laziness once he enters in the premises of sunday.
Take me for an example,
1. I'm about to spend rest of my day on bed only.
2.Not a mighty thing could push me an inch on or out of it (except the wee break, that's the Lord's call ) 3.I've my laptop right beside me but I am texting this post on my smartphone since laptop would take some muscles to start.(finger is a muscle? Bones and stuff, isn't it?)
4. My mum put some protein shake on the side stand of the bed but I am thinking more then 10 times to move an inch and drink it or leave it as it is.(do I really need to drink it? It's not that I'll die without it? )
Well the eleventh thought of it stinking in my room got me up and bottoms it up as well, it took some hard core muscles to move(crawl would be appropriate word) to reach it and then I had to take it to the sink as well (the principle says "put the things on the same spot from where you take it, and i keep it to the heart, lalthough my room is a mess but the things don't leave their spot. The laptop, headset, A.C remote,data cables,  power cables every useable thing is on my bed and they never leave their spot, "principles" you see.

Sunday

after typing millions of quotations for clients and their projects, Sunday is the only day I’ve open Microsoft word to update my life these days.
Yes, it’s been long since I updated my blog. No excuses, it’s not that I couldn't manage few minutes to write about myself but the only reason was “I became too lazy to think of anything new”

One year deposit in Talwalkers gym has been wasting since I joined my family’s business, Yeah that, I passed out of engineering. I wasn't into joining my family’s venture that soon but I don’t know how one day out of nowhere I dropped at the spot and told my father “Paa, I wanna start working” I really regret that day now. I could have gone on a nirvana trip or a long ride or catch up with all of my lost soul buddies, I could have done all of that but instead I went to office and here I am 21 and working and stuff. Running a venture where employees who works under me are 10 year older than me.(does that sound proportionate in anyway?)
By the way, the work is cool, I get to take over the solution branch of our company, IT solution, security solution, storage solutions, it has all cool stuff to work around, laptops, camera’s, servers, network,  corporate etc  and I do love it. I’ve always been the solution provider whenever it came to my friends and their problems. So one can it was my destiny to became one in the industry as well.
 Sadly there isn’t anyone left in my touch who I may call a friend anymore, there are employees  who gets friendly with me but there isn’t any friend left to accompany my weekend’s late night’s movie or a walk at city mall or just a ride to nowhere.
I don’t know where did it all went wrong, they didn’t left me without giving any sort of hints or I was too dumb to get any. Am I the only one who feels like that or there are others like me?
I feel like I am the only guy left in a field of dead.

Confession

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  A random article i posted on a confession page, got a little positive and a little negative response, a small part of my life...
  
  

  To the past,
  Even I didn't thought I'll ever fall in love til 2 years ago,
  A brat, egoistic, self centered person. wooing girls, lighting up parties, going on enumerous play dates and living
  upto my standards was my thing in those days.
  Until I met her, who sobered me, showed me meaning of life, teached me value of money(which I never cared for when I was spending for her) she became my only purpose to live.
  

  And one day she left me, for no reasons. ... my story begins from that very point... I thought this was just a issue of time and I'll move on easily. I tried to fill the space by going out with
  Different girls but ended up comparing them with her, I am not much of a drinker but when ever and where ever I did, I ended up telling people stories of me and her. I remember the days when i'd drink too much and cried whole night on shoulder of my father for no reason(well, for reasons I couldn't told him).
  I posted pics of much prettier girls hanging on me in hope to get a envied response from her but nothing came back, one day I drank too much and tried to jump off a 5 story building
  In delhi but lost my balance and fell on the terrace itself and passed out.
  I chased unknown black actives in hope that they'd be her(they were'nt). It's not that I don't like other girls I've been committed thrice after her but broke up with all of them because (well the reason is obvious)
  My only friend is my pug, since rest of guys finds me lacking in social life.

  I told people that I didn't fell in love but love fell in me...ACCIDENTALLY.

  What shall I say.
  I guess destiny has nothing left for me...

A life of snivel, agony and misery

I've left writing for sometime as my attention was blurred and distracted by the inducement of life.
I realize that whenever I am in pain, I am heaved toward the keyboard myself. 

It feels like a storm of misery and melancholy hovering over my head, like the darkest shade of night in the eyes of a blind man.  Certainly there is nothing to prove or to make a point. I am just letting out some of what’s eating me up.
When the logistic reasons die, the irrational, unreasonable, unthinkable born. I am just 21 but it feels like I’ve seen ages of alteration in lives of mortals, like a profound spirit is wandering in a corpse of a lost man. I visit and fuse with plenty of people of plenty of temperament and plenty of camouflage, but yet so far, I couldn’t find a single person of akin mindset as mine. That’s one o the reasons why I feel so detached from this life, it feels like I am made to be a loner.

Plethora of times I hear that “No one understands me”, “I am different from rest”, although I know they aren't  I politely reply them “I know you are.” But deep inside I see nothing different in them. They all are colored in same dimensions.

 

Kadam takra jaye kisi ummeed se,
ke mil jaye koi  bahana jeene ka..

(Wish I drop into a reason to live.)

Short CUT

Its like suffering, suffocating, sting. I am not a child anymore but I feel like closing myself in a closet and shut down till I die.

A child born out of wrong marriage as well as wrong parenting.
Most of people of my age think about their hopes and ambitions and there I am riding a bike and hope for a meteor fall on my head or crash into a immense truck and die a quick and sound death.

Kill me lord.. I can't stand it..

Age of rock...

School… 
Anxiety, envy, nervousness, brotherhood, crushes, victory, brawl, failure… 
plenty of keywords pops up in my mind whenever I hear this “school” word. Although I haven’t been the leading element of my class, but I hope that I still earned a blurred image in the memoirs of my mates back then. 
“From where shall I begin?” this would have been the first question, everyone would have asked themselves when they are told to speak about their school days, so did I. 
The moment paa left me at the door of 6th C would not be the very much appreciated memory. I was the unwelcomed new kid in the pack of old students. Precisely my name was “Roll no 38” for everyone in the first few days as it was pretty simple and trouble free to remember. Though I wasn’t much of an attention grabber kid, I made few friends, some who were before and after 38 and some who were alive with social interaction skills. 
Through the 6th standard, somehow I managed to slip into the pack of old students. Harsh, Swati, Yudhishtir, Shreem, Ajay, Chandrika, Vijay, Priyanka, Mridul, Ekta, Himanshu, Kuldeep,Anupam, Sachin .Pardon me if I forgot few names from the 6th standard, I guess I should be worried about the poor memory, maybe it’s a pre symptom of Alzheimer. 
As I passed through 6th standard and promoted into 7th, I faced several shocks and blows, Kuldeep got transferred from school, back then he was the closest buddy I had. We used to roam across physics lab and search for some damaged gadgets and used electric projects. Our dream was to become NASA’s scientists. It’s incongruous that we didn’t even know what N stands for in NASA. (I confess that I still don’t know it. National, neurological or Ninja? Maybe that’s why we’re not eligible enough for NASA, leaving the job for professionals)
Where I was still in a blow by loss of a close friend, surprise elements were added in class, Vikram and Disha. I have to accept that I wasn't too fond of Vikram at first, his hilarious drolly south Indian accent used to put me on laugh rides, but later I came to see his kind side and I became quite close to him. “Still remember the fight on the word ASS, I said ASS refers to donkey whereas Vikram….. Let’s just say you can imagine what he meant” (forgive me buddy, I now admit that an ass is not always a donkey) 
Whereas Disha was a party popper, a live wire on fire, she was one hell of an amusing character. I can’t even picture her face without a wide grin. I don’t have any recollection of her present but I hope she’s doing well in her own ways. 
Oh yes, how I can leave tales from 7th C without disclosing about the first crush of mine, or we shall say the first crush I remember of. It was an impossible one to crack and I laugh out loud whenever I think of her, we were kids, yes we were.
Ah and loss of Swati in 9th grade was not pleasing as well, an amazing singer lost in wilds(by wilds I meant “I am not in touch with her, not even Facebook”, if anyone know of her, please do tell me)

About love, till 10th standard I came to comprehend that love and crush are entirely poles apart. If a crush was love, I’ve fallen in and out of love plenty of times. 
Getting back to 10th standard, things really changed, friends changed, not much, they just turned into rivals. Actually life would have been incomplete without friends and rivals as well. We can’t live without both of them as they add the flavor to our eternity. 
11th grade, things got back to their places infect they got better, a fully loaded last bench. On one side there was me, Vikram, Yudhishtir and occasionally Rishabh joshi on the other side there was Aporva, Akshay, Milo. 2nd last row was dedicated to girls I think? Aayushi and…. Aayushi, that’s it I don’t remember anyone else, pardon me, infect don’t blame me. Aayushi is one of few peoples you can’t dare to forget. They are either capable to rock you’re world or throw rocks at you’re world and burn it to ashes (I mean it, stay in the good list of them or things can get really rough) what can I say. I was frightened of her to death. Not anymore but at the same point I don’t want to wake the lioness by offending her in anyways.
Aman, Shikhar and ashutosh, nothing much about them they were a trio, threesome, call it anything, I really couldn’t recollect any memories associated with them except that Aman was a jolly guy, Shikhar was a sporty guy, and Ashutosh was a guy, brainy guy? I don’t really remember much of him. Hope you all are happier than ever. 
Aayushi dhadich, priyam saxena, priyanka amteda &kratika I hope we’ll spend some more time in our next life’s school days. Indeed school life was too short and I was too dumb to talk to all of you. Wish you best for your life.
Jayant, you are the brainiest guy I ever crossed my path with and my man. You’re on one long road to success my friend.
Are you she(arushi sharma) I’ve always seen an mature person in you. You’re one go getter kind of person I met in my life.
A long gasp, it feels like I am about to die any moment and want to write about every student I ever met in school days before I take my last breath,
if I am not writing about you now then either I am a sick patient of Alzheimer and I pay my most modest apologies to you
OR you’ve been a complete douche bag in school days, a sincere middle finger salute to you.

Anyway, it has been an quintessential journey with you guys.. Do stick around whenever you get some spare time for your old pal.
PS: anyone up to make it a novel? Interested co-authors are most warmly welcome to my message box.

Google knows nothing

Why do we fall effortlessly in depression?

Searched it over Google as they say “Google knows everything” but forlornly couldn't find a satisfactory response. Right now, I am standing still at the darkest instant of time, staring dazedly at my messy chaotic condition. I feel allied to every depressing song I listen to. Couldn't find a reasonable motive to live and even pray for a calm and painless pleasing death sometimes.

Peoples find happiness in devouring a new exotic dish, wearing new cloths, buying stuff and god knows what else. It’s like they find delight in every crisp of moment and whereas I am concerned, every moment is meant to pass away and if it won’t last forever, what’s the reason to like it?

 In a simple manner, with every birthday passing away, we are getting closer to death, hair fall, wrinkles,  lack of strength, diabetes, arthritis,  blood pressure and plenty of other mortal diseases. Why do we celebrate them?

Take heritage, art or museums, people are spending their money in upholding and preserving what is meant to be long gone. Instead they should crush those art corpses and built a gratis hospital or a school per se. that would mean a lot to the people who can’t afford to see a doctor or admit their kids to school.

Everything I see puts me in a moral psychotic battle with myself.