Few states of mind

1.We always tend to put the blame on someone for everything,

sometime its a person, sometime it’s us, sometime it’s our heart, sometime it’s our destiny while sometime its god.

Blaming doesn't solve the problem, 

it just enhance it...!

2. Dreams leads to desire, 

desire leads to expectations, 

expectations leads to disappointment... 

I am trying to live without expecting anything from others.

3. it’s a depressing feeling when you’re falling down, 

and you know you can't do anything about it.....

4. Sometimes beauty isn't spotless; 

sometimes it’s not on the surface but inside, 

deep within the soul...

5. The hardest part is feeling… 

out of control. Feeling like I can’t be sure of myself, like maybe anything shouldn’t be around me, like maybe nobody should. Like I’m the darkest person left alone in this world.

6. There is just a fine line between love and hate, 

one wrong move and you cross your line...

7. Memories of past are always heavy, 

they crush you down whenever

you try to start over...

8. I've started to like cold things these days.

Cold weather

cold water

cold people....

At least they don't act warm outside....

9. When you realize the reality of life, 

you walk away....

10. You realize the actual meaning of darkness once you start living in it, 

even a string of light seems so bright that you tempt hide it, 

the world outside seems like end of your life that you feel like a dark life creature

you hate everyone including yourself, 

life spends miserably...

Let me be the one you need

I am lonely in this crowd of greed,

its like an empty house,

like a life with no lead,

and there you are, with a spring believe

I just want to be,

the one you need…

I realized life is way too small,

and a long way is there to go,

I need your hand in mine every time,

whenever I am high,

whenever I am low,

ill cross any oceans, I’ll do indeed,

to be the only thing that

you’ll need.. 

I feel like life is full of reason,
and I am able to do decision,
if your presence is in my present,
I am in love with every season,

look at what you do to me,
your like my weed,
and ill do anything
to be one you need…

I wish you’ll see,
what I feel, I see
I wish you’ll breathe,
same air I breathe

I wish you’ll feel same way for me,
I wish you’ll want to be,
the one I need... 

short story 

for the first time.

need an advice...!!!!!

I have started my way to kill time by writing a short story 

still confused how i  shall post it?

chapter by chapter or all in a row?

shall i wait for the response for the first chapter and then begin the next one? (it might save some time, if the story was rejected by audience , i won't have to start the next chapter, it might feel little bad, but hey..! I've been through worst)

I am totally confused about these few points. i need some expert advice on that topic. its my first time over this thing, will it appeal to my followers or won't?

the title i chose is

"I love she, she love he,

he love her, god helps me"

My soul place

It was 2 am in noon when I opened my eyes, last night was spend same as the rest in writing, watching movies and stuff, went to bed  little late as usual, as far as I remember it was around 6:30am in morning.

Things went usually, had a shower, grab some meal and got back to my laptop. Suddenly there was a sick feeling in my stomach, I don’t remember what happened next I just went straight to the washroom in full throttle and spitted everything I had inside, I guess my immune system didn’t  supported what I ate just then.
Afterwards anything that I tried to stuff inside was rejected by my system immediately. As if there was no vacancy for food in my system.
My taste went worst and the air I was breathing felt bitter and toxic.
I tried to improve my taste with a bowl of ice cream but sadly it couldn’t do much about my sickness.
 I went in a nearby medical store and got some pills and a pack of glucose drink.
The next few hours went in an unexplainable feeling .I just wanted to be with my parents at that moment.
I dialed my father’s digits and told him I am coming the next day, didn't wanted him to know about my sickness, cause he might  worry unnecessarily…
within half an hour I packed my stuff and catch a cab to the nearest station, booked a sleeper in Volvo ,that was the only thing available at that moment. I didn’t had anytime to eat or pack dinner and I wasn’t feeling hungry too so I skipped dinner that time.
If we give a thought about that,
I didn’t had anything in whole day except for ice cream.

The ride started around 10:30.it went safe and sound, smooth roads with no bumps or cracks, but I had a strange feeling of getting sick again.

 Every time I travelled in a bus or train I couldn’t stop myself to think about the lives we have, the lives on the two sides of the window glass. As the Volvo makes its way across some random village, I could see the poverty flashing on those faces of villagers , it’s something like time travelling or watching a 80's movie, children playing with handmade toys that value much more than one bought from a toy store, wives serving simple food to their family that value more than a luxury hotel since  they work really hard to earn a single meal per day.


. Around mid night hunger knocked at the doors of my stomach, sadly I didn’t had anything to eat at that moment cause I had made up my mind that I can live without food for a long time, I couldn’t sleep either so I decided to  spend some time listening to melodies I’ve stored in my cell. Bus stopped at a food junction in mid of the way.
Within few moments i went in that thing.
I couldn’t stop myself anymore and ordered   “shahi paneer” with “butter naan”.I ate like a monster that time 2 bowls of “shahi paneer” and “6 butter naans”. I was feeling like I was stuffed with food up to my neck couldn’t move a bit but somehow I reached my sleeper seat. Wasn't feeling sleepy so I started the movie that i was watching last night, it was  “Merry Madagascar”. As soon as the movie ended my eyes went heavier and I fell asleep right then. The time I opened my eyes bus was already at jaipur.
Some how I managed to look a little human cause usually when I wake up I look more of a hippie zombie.
Dad was waiting right there at station. He looked a little frustrated cause of delay in bus arrival.
As soon I reached home I threw every piece of luggage away and crashed on my bed.
Nothing can match the comfort of your own house...

An advice

I was just watching “the Mexican” on my couch and suddenly Andy came to ask for some movies that he can borrow for the night. We couldn’t find anything that he hadn’t watched before so we just sat down there for sometime…

when you have some girlfriend issues the best thing to kill time is to sort them out with your best pals.

I had never seen his girl in real but just in picture’s or in his daily problems am not much of a picture reader, but Rachel seemed a nice emotional girl, they do make a good couple together.

I just can’t understand that why people don’t value the things that they have at that very moment, why some of us live with someone but they aren’t in love with them anymore, and if they don’t love that someone then why the hell they are together?

Andy and Rachel have been together for a month or so, but they already started to have issues in their lives. They must know life is not a piece of cake with all the sweet and stuff, things are kind of zigzag with few twists and turns sometimes. They have been together for a month and that's just  starting of a relationship…

I don’t know what’s into his head, he’s with her but not serious, he don’t want to break up and at the same moment he’s saying that he feels stuck with her plus the player wants to score with another girls too…

and there I am…

the one who is supposed to take the friend’s side when I clearly know that he’s doing it the wrong way…

I feel poor for Rachel,

I remember one day when Andy tried to separate with her and she couldn’t take it, so she cut her hand thrice, that was freaking crazy of her, thanks to lord she was alright and nothing wrong happened to her.

that thing she did scared the hell out of me, but I don’t blame her, ”at a point of relationship love does become obsession” how can one all of a sudden break relationship with someone who give them a new reason to live their lives. It’s just like snatching away those reasons from them…

this is one reason that resists Andy to break Rachel’s heart. He doesn’t want to hurt her in anyways,

deep inside he do care for her and I just wish he take the right decision…

well I told him...

“She is a great girl and whatever you are doing with her is wrong but if you don’t feel the same about her now you should just tell her now, yes it will hurt her but the  longer you will take to end it the more she will get hurt,

More time it will take to bring everything together for her,

More time it will take to recover,

to connect her life with reality”

I don’t know what I said was justified with his situation or not, I haven’t had any nice experience with my past relationships, I am not the expert of relationship but

“I wish he fall in love someday,

I wish everyone fall in love for “REAL” someday,

               but the ending shouldn't be like mine…

                   the ending should never be like mine …..” 

5:00 am

Sitting at the edge of the terrace of this 3 story building. Roads are calm, can hear the birds chirping and road side dogs barking in air,might be saving their own territory from the dogs from the next block. A blow of cold wind does its heavenly work in every 5 minutes.
 I like it here,its quite peaceful place,you can forget about time when your somewhere like this place,

to capture these moment the only thing I know is to write it down somewhere…

the city of dreams is dreaming itself  right now.

Smoothing songs humming in head. An unfinished can of coke is right beside’s me waiting to be finishing its journey to the trash. The pack of lays is already emptied but I couldn't locate it, maybe its searching its destination on its own by the grace of chilling air floating somewhere on ground.
Sky is blank.1/7^th part of moon is still visible. Hiding in black clouds, hope it going to rain within few hours...
oh my god..! The time I typed those words few drops already felled down on my legs.
That is something we don’t see evertday, at least I don’t...
 the rest of buildings are visible to me by now.
Within few minutes, I concluded how sky blue actually looks. The last night was a party night as aashi was going back to Chandigarh.Her time for training at Delhi was over last day. she got her grade to success, team got their booze, what else do they need..?The celebration got a little high for them this time,few lying on the couch,few on bed few went away to their home.
Well the party lovers are also sleeping on their bed while I am passing few hours on my own.

Eyes gotten much heavier by now...
guess my sense’s are telling me to fall asleep...
but
 "dreams are  more beautiful  than reality and
I don’t want to raise my hope’s about life,
life is cruel and I have accepted it.."

Life road distance

A strange way
A new life every day
 or keeping an isolation or separation from the world...

Passing every other night on unknown roads...
needlessly, without a sweat of fear…
 it was the need of life or it became my life?
I don’t know….
starring at the table for hours like it had diamonds attached on it or it’s the science project of my college. Even at a random question by a stranger or a known person, a confused face was the best expression I could gave at that moment...
the only thing that could have bound me to a place was trust,
the only thing that I admired so long,
Or just because I don't see it in anyone at this moment...
except for my own blood.

The only time I encounter a pile of people’s was at college. I don’t know how I am at studies. The only time I can conclude my level of knowledge was at the result day, or the time when I see other scoring far better than me…

Travelling here and there is the best option to pass the hours. It just depends on the road you choose to travel.

And which way leads to what destination?

We can only conclude after going on that way...

I went here and there,
somewhere,
everywhere, nowhere

What I found was only ashes, of past, of present, of the gloomy cloud on my head.

Separation from the world was a good way to ignore it.
I was good at it...
But soon I realized that I am ignoring world,
the world started ignoring me...

Even a dead man has his grave...
 people think of him at special occasions...

“Good guy great guy worst guy I ever saw in my life”

But I am unfortunate in that case because I don’t have a grave right now...

Even if I had one...
 Still
this dead body will remain as nobody...

Don’t make it long “make it large”

The last words I remember from the guy who passed out last night.
he was a known person who lived  near by.Love tiwarey,born in Varanasi,lived in shimla.worked at a BPO company.a  junky who shared few moments of night with me.the only common thing between us was that both of us were counted among the night creatures.i rarely saw him in day time,cause I am not a morning person,though I saw him every night entering his house,showed him way to the front door,he didn’t had any of his family member in here,in some ways loneliness created a bond between two of us,in some ways he was rejected by world and I couldn’t accept any of this  world. i still don’t know what exactly he meant by making it large.did he wanted a life like that?sniffing coke and smoking grass all night?the first time I saw him doing it,
I was scared cause the way he did those drugs,I have only seen it on screen.
did love did it to him?he said he had a serious relationship once out of which he started smoking then drinking then grass and so on.is a broken relationship a root of all this mess happened?
shall I blame the girl?no I can’t cause I don’t know what exactly happened between them.just the betrayal part in which the girl left him for some guy.the rest of  questions left this world with him in  ganga. I remember telling him about my past  relationships,about the way I feel after that incident on which  he sung those lines from some song “aisa jakhm diya hai jo na ab bharega, har hasin chehre se ab ye dil darega” and blew a cloud of smoke in the air,and the only expression I could gave was a artificial  smile.

DEATH

How does it actually feel when someone dies?

The moment, when someone breaks the news to you that the person you was carrying in your arms to the hospital just died?

You may know him well but what about his parents, his sister, his own people who have seen him growing from a seed to tree?

Remorse for what you were with him?

Regret the words you said on their back someday?

What picture does come into your mind when you just give a thought about that person?

Human? Demon? Saint or Satan?

Whatever the picture is,

He deserved to be dead for that image?

How does it feel when someone you knew just for few days or months or years,

Passes away from your life forever,

You cry, feel sad, a pause of few moments, a casual expression, laugh

Or a fake sympathy to the world?

The feeling is undecided,

It all depends on how you relates to that person,

How much you have seen into that person...

How much you have seen with that person....

How much he had done for you and vice verse...

"HOW MUCH"??

 This sick word doesn't mean anything after the person's death,

Nothing means after the person's death,

He’s just dead...

                                             "Life at the worst time is death"

ESCAPE
Once you start to ingnore your blank spot,things turn out to be better then dead(atleast in my case)
wake up at 1pm everyday,reasons? Will come onto them later, I guess one will find them out by themselves.usual stuff,this and that, training at 4 for an hour or two, the rest of the day is all your’s.
a walk around the city,trying to escape the reality.etc cafe’s,etc lounge’s,etc spot’s.
anything that’s loud,crowdy,dark is a check on the list.i am trying, to move on, but in real, moving on sucks bad.i am stuck with my past.
you know, actually your past screws into your present and mash up with your future sometimes..
every night you hit back to  the home thing around mid of night and a cold shower works best at 1am(a temporary relief from the permament pain).these days life seems really unrealistic.everything you like is always out of your reach,I couldn’t figure out why this happens with me,or it’s a common issue with everyone nowdays.sometimes when you have something in your mind,you can spend hours just thinking about that thing,you don’t need a book or a movie or facebook to kill time.
the one thing you can see is the change in the sky while lying on the tarace edge,how the moon gets lighter the stars disappears slowly and the sky, sky seems to be refined.
aftere an hour or two,the sky seems like some one has fired it up,
the eyes feels heavier,
you did something,
you thought,
the same thing you’ve been thinking from  many of the past nights..
you close your eyes

you wake up at 1pm…